Extract

‘I don’t put on any airs,’ Donald J Trump once told a journalist, from behind his ‘100% mahogany’ desk. Half the size of a squash court, and brightened up with a stuffed bald eagle, it sits amid shelves full of golf trophies and dozens of ‘important awards’. Framed magazine covers are all over the walls, and no prizes for guessing who’s on them. 

From the windows, one can see Central Park – but the real spectacle is the lobby below. Gold-plated, pink-marbled, pink piano-ed and perfumed, it contains chandeliers and a 60-foot waterfall, and plus guards in red jackets and furry, black hats. 

The building’s name, of course, is Trump Tower. As you can see from the huge sign outside. 

Could it be that Donald does actually put on airs? That his light isn’t completely hidden under a bushel? Ever since he burst onto the scene, after all, in a blaze of blondes, boasts and stunningly bad hair, the real estate mogul has also givens the Trump World Tower and the Trump Castle. Plus Trump Palace, and a few Trump Hotels. Then there’s the Trump Regency and the various Trump Taj Mahals, together with Trump Park Avenue and several Trump Plazas. 

For a full picture of this man’s personality, we should probably also factor in the Trump Marina and the seven Trump golf clubs, plus the Trump Winery and the many Trump restaurants. Americans can also dress like Donald, courtesy of the Donald J Trump Signature Collection, or smell like him, thanks to Donald Trump: The Fragrance. 

And for just a few more dollars, they can think like him too. On the shelves at the Trump Store, there sit no less than 17 ‘personally written’ books by Donald Trump on the subject of Trump. They have titles like Trump: The Way to the Top and Trump: Think Like a Champion. And, of course, they have photos as well. 

It would be very easy to just dismiss this man, and say something like ‘My god, what a prat’. So let’s both go ahead and do that right now. 

Finished? 

Well, the bad news, my friend, is that there’s a new book on the shelves – and if the voters like it, things could get even worse. Boasting a 16-page ‘About the Author’ section, Donald’s latest tome, Crippled America, is all about what he plans to do once he lives in the White House. 

‘President Trump’ is a real possibility … 

But actually reading Crippled America isn’t, of course: I mean, really, why would you want to do that? 

So here, then, is an easier read. In The Wisdom of Donald Trump, I give you said wisdom in xxx mostly white pages. These quotes will tell you all you ever wanted to know about the man, and probably a great deal more. Vomit bag not included.