Extract

Deep down in our heart of hearts, many men nurse a heartfelt conviction. It’s a conviction that, in the right circumstances, we could have actually been just like Napoleon.

Actual warfare, of course, can be quite unpleasant.( I’m told that some soldiers even get shot. But give us a map and nice, safe hill – somewhere close but not too close to the combat) and there’s no doubt in our minds that we could have been Masters of Europe, great general and leaders of men.

We too could have won battles with an uplifting speech or a sudden and inspired change in strategy.

We too could have orchestrated sallies, sorties and strikes, and wiped out entire armies with a wave of our hand.

We too could have ordered enfilade fire and delivered the inspired coup de grâce. Given time, we might even have learned how to pronounce them.

Or we feel like we could have, anyway.

Perhaps it’s this feeling that explains the strange and ongoing appeal of coaching, even when so many real coaches don’t really seem to enjoy it. Just like chess, coaching is essentially a chance to play wargames, only without having to ride horses or wear a big, silly hat.

But having said that, it’s a profession with plenty of downsides. I’m talking about functions with sponsors. And meetings with boards. And training sessions in the cold, dark and wet. I’m talking about having to spend time with men in their twenties. Or at AFL functions with folks like Sam Newman. 

And Napoleon never had to deal with the media; with that bloodthirsty hoard forever thirsting for clickbait, and able to find it in pretty much any sentence. 

To cope, the coach must take refuge in cliché: I guess you could call it a strategic retreat.  

After a loss, it’s become almost compulsory to say something like ‘full credit to them. We knew that they’d come out hard.’ Then they must add that add that it’s ‘a four quarter game. We just didn’t take our chances’.  

And if there have been a lot of losses lately? In that case, ‘it’s all about sticking to our processes. The results will take care of themselves.’

And after a win? Well, then it’s ‘full credit to the boys’, because this time it was they that ‘came out hard’. But it’s important to not get carried away. In fact, ‘we’re just happy to get the four points’ and are taking things ‘one week at a time’. 

Using the straightest of bats and the blandest of clichés, these people are past masters in the art of saying nothing at all, and then saying nothing all over again. 

But, every now and then, there’s a moment when the mask slips, and we can hear the thoughts, irritations and downright frustrations of the real person inside. 

And a mangled metaphor can be entertaining as well.

This book is a collection of just such moments; of those oh-so-rare quotes which are actually quotable.

It’s not my fault that it’s so short!